whats done is done.
whether or not the intention was misunderstood.
whether or not you should have made it.
whether or not I could have done better.
whether or not ....

too many things happening and are going to happen.
feels like my mind is overworked.
maybe i should just shut myself off from others sometimes cause i need a rest. i really need it.
have to keep reminding myself mind over heart.
but the heart just screams to my mind with every beat.

it sucks even more that people around you are unhappy.
the best remedy to unhappiness is to see those close to your heart happy.

bet you would never know nor guess that you are one of the few ones that can rip the genuine smile off my face.

9 more weeks. 27 more chances. thats all we got.
either we make it or break it.
it all got to start from that little steps from now.
lets stay strong within and fight this together.

exhausted from all the information transfers between neurons to neurons in my brain system.
never thought that much seriously.
talking more to myself makes me less talkative.
which i hope is for the better.

it is probably a scar so deep,
that its even harder to reach that trust & faith i once had.
doesn't matter new or old.
it can always just be self protection. from opening that cut once again, to see how that blood ooze out the same way as it did the previous time.
till someone prove me wrong.

someone said that the world would be better without tags.
now, im really impressed by those who have the courage to go against those social tags and unfairness.
cos i dint have or maybe wont be able to in future.

surprised by myself how i allowed this 50+ yr old man who randomly approached me to relate about some bible facts about eating healthy food and this random author who wrote about it, showing my articles and telling me one by one, about not eating pork, not eating seafood without scales and whatever, not eating butter, sweets, etc etc.

Used to just walk off after telling him kindly im not interested.
but i saw how enthusiastic and passionate he was abt what he was advocating
so i really stopped in my steps to listen to him.
though what he said dint impact me, cos i still gonna eat all those food><
at least i helped him to try telling me what he believed in.
somehow i just like it that... i know he would continue doing this weird(what we deem) advocation thing cos he knows what he is doing and as long as he thinks that this is what he wants, he doesnt need to regard how people would judge or not respect him.

got really weird stares cos i listened to him for 15minutes.
hahaa but i felt an unexplainable joy in doing so.

mm i think inspiring people to believe and do what they think is right can be quite cool.
cos many times, our decisions are surrounded by what others think is right.
sometimes it becomes what it should be, but not what you want it to be.
and then at the end of the day, you get o.O at what you just did.

freaking E. cant stand the sight of it. its not about the grade. its evidently showing my nonchalance towards tests which is damn bad. and that im not even trying to do well.

mm 4th day of school, finally got to relax a little (:
noticing a little bit more everyday.
maybe cos its my last year in hc, in hcnb and seeing every little things and people i can in school, being around my teammates everyday.
i know before i know it, this year would just zoom past.
so i have no time to feel sad or weak, not even to say losing confidence in any aspect.
just gotta make myself stronger and stronger, making sure i dont regret procrastinating or hesitating.
trying to get myself focus alot more in class hehe and its really really tiring cos i keep zoning out.
mm been thinking alot these few days.
theres so much more we need to work on, every single small detail really counts.
we may fall now, we may seem small now, it may seem that we may not even make it, but i believe that we all have the same goal, even how far that goal is, how much more we need to put in than we would expect, its the last time we gonna do it and we will make it count.
after thinking through, i think i finally understand the thing about not living in people's shadows anymore and that its our turn now. its really now or never.
good to feel that im talking to myself more.

mm somehow in class, i feel like im around many people but just doesnt feel right. lacking of warmth. noticed it when i actually start talking and laughing less, looking around. idk why but suddenly this year dont really feel like getting closer to my class, when i should because its the last year.
how i wish my teammates were my classmates....

sometimes i really wonder how far we would go.
but i cant deny that you mean something important to me.
let the heart lead then.

now i know why quieter people tend to know more, cos they can notice more when you are busy blabbering around hahahaa. and if you really use your heart to listen, you not only see things but feel them as well.

sometimes when i think too much into it,
i get freaking scared.
those kind of fear that send shivers down my spine(crooked),
which easily induce tears which i control well enough.
99.98%. but there are so many what-ifs.
but its affirmed that i will get to it,
just gotta get myself accept it better

really long since i posted cos i dont come here when i angst/damn sad.
what i write here is to keep track of my life one, so i think other people read already damn sian.

OP had been a blast, never felt to sian memorising script before but the company made it enjoyable (:
movie marathon at my house after op was damn fun too (: though we dint finish johnny english cos he looked too retarded. shuttle island was damn GOOOOOOOD :D
went playnation to xbox kinnect wii also (:
WE CHEER and WE DANCE super lame, got 4 retards down there dancing then the computer scam us say "PERFECT" LOLOLLL!
dinner at fish and co super epic. this MOLLY woman said "im Molly, im will be serving yall for today." then i never once saw Molly after that.... Missing Molly D:
LOL the platter wasnt enough so we ordered a pathetic black pepper cod fish fingerling which was seriously super pathetic hahahaaa. and it was 10 bucks.
and after that we talked outside fish and co for 30min about pads LOLOLOL.
seeing zhiwei and junhao's expression was super interesting hehheh.
somehow we always talk crap very successfully (:
hmm i will miss these 3 people :( cos after pw, naturally we would return to our own cliques in class...
and thanks for the present and letter heehee(:

ANDD im really grateful for the surprise my class gave me heehee (:
so much for fatty koh saying she cant make it for dinner, make me so sadddd.
arcade was damn fun as usual ^^ bishi bashi :D
then when exiting the arcade, lala suddenly keep thrusting me forward LOL
and tadaaa i see the whole class standing outside the arcade
my first thought was "huh why got class gathering we dont know"
and stupid pigjong go buy the candles that cannot be blown out, almost died blowing it and my wishes would never come true D: D: D:
went for korean bbq buffet and it was super goodd just that vry oily and i ate too much chicken that i cant pull up my jeans LOL.
amanda and lala present super epic. some toilet roll with sudoku on it!! but then i shit so fast cant get to fully utilise it sia....and give me some toilet bowl CUP LOL! funny how all my presents link to toilet xD

and ytd my team celebrated for me, though left half the team but still heartwarming and unexpected (: (: hot pink hairband mygawd...then go shopping with my mamaaa. but mostly bought clothings for ocip stuffs. woa feeling excited for ocip already :D :D

hmm shall post a bday post if i want to. if not postpone to new year post!

im feeling damn freaking sian cos of pw D:
i really hate being bothered by this thing perpetually. and it has been one damn year ?!?!
walao ke bu ke yi rao le wo.

results are really subjective i guess.
its like when you see your percentile, you feel they suck.
but when you compare with ppl struggling to promote, you feel bad for feeling that way.
of course, the main thing is moving and improving according to your own stride. so i guess...my results are underperformed :/
econs was so disappointing D: but i can only blame it on the fact i only studied one and a half days.
i have to start off with a determined and more prepared mindset next year, so regrets wont hit me at the end.

in the midst of complaining, i realised how fast time passed this year :(
actually so many things happened, but just too fast to register.
i looked through the pics and many memories rushed back into my mind.
guess i really want to move on faster this time, get away from some unhappy stuffs and people.
though i wont forget how those stuffs hurt me, but at least i have better and more pleasant stuffs happening to me and more wonderful people that mean more to me (:

actually i feel like doing a sum up of this year already. cos it always feels like a brand new year when trng starts again.
nvm shall wait till the end of this year (:
i think i changed alot. like alot. suddenly can feel it so strongly when i compare myself to end of sec4.
higher expectations and many more things i wish to accomplish.
kay kay i better not start, later i sure type everything out.

i remember a snr saying before, "instead of waiting for people to inspire you, be the inspiration yourself"
that is probably why people can work so much harder for others and not themselves.
so instead of waiting for people to run in front of you to follow, why not you run right in front and let people run along with you?
you never know how much impact can you make (:

sprints ytd after gym felt damn good though it was tiring xD
like woa finally we are running after this flabby studying of 2 months...
hmm only one more year with my these beloved people :(
actually i really dk what to do without seeing them every week :'(
life will definitely suck.
we still have a last season tgt ahead! its now or never.....

be a better person to others, to yourself.

there isnt such a word called "REST" in jc i guess.
now theres like oral presentation for pw, editing written report, then plan ocip!
and trainings starting soon.
all the way through to seasons then blocks then prelims then a lvls.
i gotta buck up and pull through all these strong, no more excuses jolene ong!!
hmm lucky i changed my specs to nerd so now i can remind myself to work harder when i see myself in the mirror woohoo!
haha actually no link though but whatever la.

i think ocip will make me more independent, decisive and confident. haha shall see whether my predicaments comes true after the trip(:
because of all the plannings and on the spot stuffs.
and its gonna be super fun :D hope its even better than my expectations (:

heehee steamboat at jiaen's house was great :D
yum yum and i like her house interior designs (:
just feels so great so sit at a table and eating with these people <3
we prolly have one more year left tgt, and we must make that year count (:
last year to achieve something tgt!
though it seems like theres so many things we really lack of now...experience, speed, techiniques, good teamwork, understanding of each others' play...but i believe if we all really put our hearts to do it, we will pull through (:
sometimes i guess what limits us is cause we arent confident of whether we can do it, not actually about the fact whether we are really up to it.
but cannot already, this time round, we just have to be confident of what we have and fight what we can!

somehow now i can feel the process of growing up...
but kinda dont like it
idk why
i just like being childish and making no sense, so fun.
being an adult seems so tiring, like just too many expectations.
aiya but learning to accept these expectations will come naturally i guess.

turning 17 soon. 17 leh. how come i still feel like a 14 15 year old?
walao so old. one year to 18. i still remember thinking that i would be super grown up when i was in primary school at this age.
but hahaha how come im like that leh.
nvm dont need to understand heehee

i feel like i have many thoughts and emotions within now but then i cant seem to be able to express them out.

if all the kings' horses and all the kings' men can put humpty dumpty back together again

listening to music is really good source of expressing and engaging my thoughts (:
sometimes talking too much just discounts the meaning you want to show.
i also realised im talking lesser now after joy said she is talking less now..
hmm dk why either. im still laughing as much i guess but just not talking as much, idk why.
hmm a brand new start of a term, though im really uncertain of the upcoming events, which is so foreign becaue i always knew what to expect in nanyang.
hc just makes me dive into a environment of uncertainty and insecurity.
suddenly you are so busy and suddenly you are not. then i start to think what have i achieved.
i realise the answer is, nothing.
and in the process of nothing, i wasnt that happy as i was as last time.
i need to leave that "dont bother la" of me in the past, and start leading a more fruitful and more purposeful life. i dont want to leave jc with the same ans of "nothing", except coming here to take my a lvl certificate, to get a freaking job.
i guess i can say i really like my class alot alot more now, like i will be interested and looking forward to class gatherings (:
haha whats with running against the travellator flow and screaming from the 3rd floor to 1st floor and laughing too loudly and get chased by security guards twice in two days in a row. yes these are really really brainless and insane things. but doing it personally and experiencing all these childhood things once again are really great (:
and catching the impressive and stunning fireworks of ndp rehearsal as we exited the mrt station at night (: unforgettable haha :D
hmm actually thinking abt what i want to achieve in life...like the purpose i want to achieve so i can die happy LOL. to tell the truth, im really scared of dying wts. i dont know why. just that feeling of not being able to feel yrself and have a mind to think in after dying just scares me. like i have lived for so many years and in the end i just get incinerated because of the theory of nature. so i should accept death in theory of nature? what if heaven what if ghost what if all those arent true and just beliefs? people also get scared i guess when they get old so they tend towards religion more when they age.

woa dont feel like jolene ong's brain man haha. cant believe such content actually exist in my blurr brain. HEHHEH! means my immature brain has matured since ;D

here i come my second half of my jc1 life (: you may be boring, hard to endure, damn sian, repetitive, but i shall take you on strong, with more passion and determination and optimism and FOCUS!!